the frank and fritzy show

EPISODE 23

Frank claims that his girlfriend Helen (who is audible during much of this conversation) may be cheating on him. He also thinks Fritzy's wife, who's recently returned to the working world, may be doing the same to his pal. But Fritzy is confident that his new svelte look--coupled with that smooth Giovanelli complexion--will keep Carol from straying. (5:04)

Listen here:

FRITZY: Federico "Fritzy" Giovanelli
FRANK: Frank "Frankie California" Condo
UI: Unintelligible

Frank: In the meantime, my girl she's gettin' more beautiful over here.

Fritzy: What a lucky guy you are.

Frank: I know it.

Fritzy: You're a lucky man.

Frank: She's, she's gettin' old, my little chicken, though.

Fritzy: Yeah?

Frank: Yeah. She'll be 40. [Aside to his girlfriend, Helen] You'll be 40 soon?

Helen: No. Not for another two years.

Frank: Oh, another two years, she says.

Fritzy: A baby yet.

Frank: She's a baby.

Helen: [UI] not a baby.

Frank: Freddie?

Fritzy: Wha? She's gettin' fat, but.

Frank: Huh?

Fritzy: She's gettin' heavy.

Frank: Yeah, huh?

Fritzy: I saw her, she looked a little bigger.

Frank: Yeah, she put a little weight on.

Fritzy: She's eatin' good, eh?

Frank: She ain't goin' to the gym no more, she...

Fritzy: No? What happened to the Pineapple (a Manhattan health club)?

Helen: I didn't put on any weight since I stopped the gym.

Frank: She says she didn't put no weight on.

Fritzy: No?

Helen: I put on weight when I quit smoking the first time.

Frank: She was fatter before, she's trimmin' down a little.

Fritzy: Yeah?

Frank: Yeah.

Fritzy: Yeah, that's, uh, she looks good, but, uh, the weight becomes her, she's better off with the weight. The other way she looks like she was dyin'.

Frank: Yeah.

Fritzy: Too thin, with her, she looks better.

Frank: Where's the breadwinner, she come home yet?

Fritzy: The breadwinner?

Frank: Huh?

Fritzy: Who's that?

Frank: The breadwinner, Carol.

Fritzy: Yeah. She's here. She made, it costs us, we, we figured it out, after all expenses, everything is done, by travel.

Frank: Yeah.

Fritzy: Lunch, everything, she makes fifteen dollars for the week.

Frank: Fifteen?

Fritzy: Yeah. In other words.

Frank: [UI]

Fritzy: She clears, after everything is over with, fifteen dollars.

Frank: [Italian] listen to this.

Fritzy: Yeah.

Frank: That's a tonic for her.

Fritzy: Yeah.

Frank: That's the best thing, she gets out...

Fritzy: I know. It's a tonic for her...

Frank: She goes...

Fritzy: She clears 15. I got the cleaning woman two extra days over here. It costs me a hundred dollars more.

Frank: Mmm.

Fritzy: For two extra days, that she clears 15, so I'm minus 85.

Frank: Your money.

Fritzy: If I take the 15 off her, I'll be minus 85.

Frank: Yeah.

Fritzy: That's without anything else.

Frank: And now she has to have the cleaning woman an extra two...

Fritzy: Two days.

Frank: Two days.

Helen: Yeah, we'll she's working...

Frank: That's another [UI] hundred dollars.

Fritzy: I'd rather give it to her. She's goin' to work, ain't she better off stayin' home and cleanin' the house for the other two days?

Frank: No good. She's...

Fritzy: I just figure.

Frank: She's gotta get out.

Fritzy: She's gotta get out.

Frank: It's a tonic for her.

Fritzy: I just figured it out.

Frank: Listen to me.

Fritzy: What?

Frank: Eh, she, you be payin' doctor bills...

Fritzy: Yeah, she's, yeah, a different person.

Frank: She is a different person.

Fritzy: She treats me...

Frank: You know the...

Fritzy: She talks to me now.

Frank: Sure, she talks to you different now. Now she comes home...

Fritzy: Yeah, she talks to me. Before, she never talked to me.

Frank: Youse are not on...

Fritzy: I was an animal. I was a brute. I was this, I was that. Now, [UI] nicest guy I've ever known.

Frank: [Aside to Helen] Fritzy's the nicest guy she ever met. She's beginning to find the world outside, how it is now, huh?

Fritzy: Wait.

Frank: Huh?

Fritzy: Wait. Well, nah, she goes, she goes right to the office.

Frank: Huh?

Fritzy: She goes, she sees the hustle, the bustle, alright?

Frank: Tell her, tell her, "Hey, listen, ya gotta [UI] me, I gotta go check in that office."

Fritzy: She was kept in a gilded cage for 25 years.

Frank: "I have to see if there's any good-lookin' guys over there."

Fritzy: Oh, I have to.

Helen: I'm sure there is.

Fritzy: I have to.

Frank: Ya gotta tell her ya gotta look.

Fritzy: They all got blue, blue suits and brown shoes over there. Forget about it.

Frank: Listen to me.

Fritzy: What?

Frank: Tell her ya, "I might, I might do a little spyin' there that I'm not too well now, I could get around."

Fritzy: That's right. Now I got time, more time to, to loiter.

Frank: That's what I tell Helen.

Fritzy: That's right.

Frank: When she [UI].

Fritzy: What do they think, they got free passage?

Frank: I told her, she might have a lover, this woman.

Helen: Oh, come on.

Frank: She got here today at three o'clock.

Fritzy: Yeah. [Aside to his wife, Carol] He's accusin' Helen of having a lover.

Frank: [UI] blames it on what's his name. I says I'm gonna [UI] a Fearless Fosdick on ya.

Helen: Oh, God.

Fritzy: Ah. With the black coat.

Frank: That's all. Just be careful, I says.

Fritzy: Be careful. They're behind every pole.

Frank: That's right.

Fritzy: They all look alike, too, 'cause they all wear the same thing.

Frank: You wanna make Carol talk to Helen?

Fritzy: Yeah.

Frank: Alright.

Fritzy: Alright.

Frank: When will I see you, then?

Fritzy: I probably see ya, I don't, well, I may stop down there tomorrow afternoon to just see how he is, ya know. I wasn't gonna stop down 'til later.

Frank: Huh?

Fritzy: Uh, ya know. I wanna just...

Frank: Oh, Helen said you changed your medicine.

Fritzy: I, yeah.

Frank: You did?

Fritzy: Yeah, sure. I had to. That, that was killin' me.

Helen: So how does he feel, better?

Frank: You feelin' better now?

Fritzy: Like brand new.

Frank: How much you weigh now?

Fritzy: I'm about 197.

Frank: You lose, that's it. You comin' down nice and easy.

Fritzy: Yeah.

Frank: Don't lose it fast...

Fritzy: Yeah.

Frank: You be...

Fritzy: Hey, Frankie. I was 220, Frank.

Frank: You be, you'll be wrinkled up then.

Fritzy: No. I got, my wife, my wife just told me about my face, "You don't have a wrinkle."

Frank: You'll get the chicken neck.

Fritzy: I got a young, nah, I got a young face.

Helen: Don't tell him that. Stupid.

Fritzy: Listen.

Helen: You love to bother people [UI].

Frank: [Aside to Helen] Shut up, you.

Fritzy: I got, I got skin that stays young. The Giov, the Giovanellis, one thing he left behind was beautiful skin.

Frank: That's from the berries and all that.

Fritzy: That's right.

Frank: That's the...

Fritzy: That, see what you said? That's exactly, that's true.

Frank: The berries'll rejuvenate you.

Fritzy: I got beautiful skin for my age, 53 years old. Forget about it, I look like a young little boy, 22.

Frank: [Aside to Helen] He looks like 22 now.

Fritzy: If I dye my hair, forget about it.

Frank: He's gonna dye his hair red, he says, Helen.

Fritzy: No, no. Red? I don't wanna be a redhead.

Frank: He wants to be a carrot top.

Fritzy: A carrot top?

Frank: And put on a dress.

Fritzy: I wanna, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'll have the figure soon.

Frank: His mother caught him with the dress, Helen.

Helen: Oh, yeah?

Frank: The dress and the hat.

Fritzy: You remember that?

Helen: With the red wig, right?

Fritzy: What wig? There was no wig.

Frank: Alright, put Carol on, pal.

Fritzy: I had a paintbrush, too. Alright.

Frank: I'll see ya tomorrow.

Fritzy: Okay.