the frank and fritzy show

EPISODE 6

It's a Frank & Fritzy diet clinic. Pushing senior citizenship, Frank lifts weights and swears by those tiny miracle pills. But Fritzy's regimen sounds really intriguing: it seems that inches lost around the waist translates into inches gained in, um, just the right place. Waiter, bring me a bowl of cabbage soup. Now! (7:17)

Listen here:

FRITZY: Federico "Fritzy" Giovanelli
FRANK: Frank "Frankie California" Condo
UI: Unintelligible

FRITZY: Frankie...

FRANK: Whattya doin', eatin?

FRITZY: Yeah, I'm eatin' a pear

FRANK: Oh.

FRITZY: I'm eatin' a pear and now I'll have my glass of water.

FRANK: Uh-huh.

FRITZY: Have my cabbage, cabbage soup.

FRANK: That's gassy, see. Cabbage soup. Why the fuck you have that there?

FRITZY: But that's nothin'. That's okay. That's to clean out the kidneys.

FRANK: Yeah, but I know. Why don't you have beets or something? Beets is good for ya.

FRITZY: Beets? Beets?

FRANK: Beet soup. You ever have, the Jews they eat the beet soup? The borscht and all that.

FRITZY: Yeah, but beets are too high in sodium.

FRANK: Oh yeah? No good, huh?

FRITZY: Very high. Naturally high.

FRANK: See, ya gotta watch what the fuck ya gotta eat. You're on a, you gotta be on a, a strict diet, huh?

FRITZY: Salt-free. Salt-free.

FRANK: You gotta make up a schedule, that's what you gotta do.

FRITZY: I'm alright now. You know what I've been doing? I don't eat in the fuckin' street. Nothin'.

FRANK: Yeah.

FRITZY: Nothin'. Nothin'. Once I come out there's nothing you could, I could buy out there other than fruit, an apple or something like that, that I'll have out there.

FRANK: Fruit?

FRITZY: That's all.

FRANK: Yeah.

FRITZY: That's all I'll have.

FRANK: The restaurants kill ya.

FRITZY: All these rats. Well, you can't blame them. They, they, the, the fats, the grease, uh, the cookin'. We should know that. But we, we eat it anyhow. I'll tell ya something, Frankie. Ya know what I'm weighin'?

FRANK: What?

FRITZY: 193, 195.

FRANK: Oh, yeah, you'll be down.

FRITZY: I'm, I'm comin' down. Ya gotta see it.

FRANK: It takes time. You'll be alright.

FRITZY: Yeah, I'm doing fine. Beautiful. Marone. Listen, my cock got three inches bigger.

FRANK: I weighed myself on a scale. I'm 202.

FRITZY: You're 202?

FRANK: Yeah. My waist is 35 now.

FRITZY: You could wear all my new clothes.

FRANK: I got a 35 waist. I have jackets on me now that, that are skinnier on my waist and, uh, tight on my shoulders. 'Cause I've been working out with the weights.

FRITZY: You're picking up the weights.

FRANK: Well, they're only 25 pounds a piece, that's all. I don't work with them too much. Just tighten up.

FRITZY: God bless ya.

FRANK: So, I worked out one hour, I worked up a good sweat. I put my t-shirt on and the sweat pants.

FRITZY: God bless ya.

FRANK: I worked everything out. That's good. I need it. Uh...

FRITZY: I can't, I can't pick that up yet.

FRANK: Because you know, when you start to get over 60, your bones start tightening up. And that's why I've been drinking milk now. I was reading in my nutrition book I should drink four glasses of skim milk a day. When ya get over 60, it's good for ya.

FRITZY: For your bones.

FRANK: For your bones. You need the calcium.

FRITZY: Why doncha buy the calcium pills?

FRANK: Nah! I let it, I take natural foods. I don't want no fuckin' pills.

FRITZY: Ya takin' skim milk, or what?

FRANK: I take skim milk, yeah.

FRITZY: Alright.

FRANK: And I have, either, uh, one egg or two eggs a day. But today I had two eggs, ya know?

FRITZY: How's your cholesterol?

FRANK: My cholesterol is very good.

FRITZY: What is it?

FRANK: It's like, maybe, uh 220 or 200, whatever it is. Very low. I got good cholesterol. I had my last test, everything was perfect.

FRITZY: That's good.

FRANK: Nuttin' wrong with all my blood. My hemoglobin is very good. Iron is good. Calcium, everything.

FRITZY: That's good.

FRANK: Everything is good on me. And then I take my vitamins. I take the multi-vitamin, maybe one, one a week. I take that once a week.

FRITZY: I introduced you to all the fuckin' vitamins.

FRANK: And I take my, uh...

FRITZY: I made a fuckin' Superman out of you.

FRANK: I gotta take my pill now, I forgot. My B-12. It's tiny, it's very, very tiny.

FRITZY: I had uh, I had a B-12 syringe, ya know.

FRANK: Yeah, I know. You take it with the shot. I had that. I had the one with the shots. I'm out of it now.

FRITZY: Yeah, I felt great. The day after...

FRANK: Yeah.

FRITZY: I had a beautiful day. I'm due tomorrow, but, so I'll take it tomorrow morning again. My daughter's bringin' it all home. I gave Ciro, how's Ciro's back? I gave him B-1 pills and, uh, Vitamin C when I was over there.

FRANK: I don't know.

FRITZY: Was he down there? Was he down Sunday?

FRANK: I don't know. You see, these here are nuggets, I take. 'Nuggets are more absorbable than ordinary tablets, and are completely free of corn, wheat, soy, yeast, and milk and derivatives and contain no, no additives, preservatives, or artificial flavor or colors.'

FRITZY: Yeah?

FRANK: These are like little nuggets. They're very tiny. And you put this under your tongue and let it dissolve in your mouth. And it's, uh, it's supposed to be very, very good for you.

FRITZY: That's the B-12?

FRANK: It's B-12, yeah. Take it with your meal. At mealtime.

FRITZY: Where'd ya buy 'em?

FRANK: In the health store.

FRITZY: Where?

FRANK: Across the street.

FRITZY: By Billy's?

FRANK: $6.40, yeah, they cost.

FRITZY: Yeah?

FRANK: A hundred pills.

FRITZY: I gotta look at them.

FRANK: A hundred nuggets. 'To firmly, to be placed between the cheek and gum, under the tongue, or chewed. Each nugget provides B-12 activity, concentrated 1000 milligrams, which represents 16.667 percent of the recommended daily allowance for, for B-12.'

FRITZY: That's good. You should take it every day.

FRANK: Yeah, I'm taking it every day. I gotta take one now.

FRITZY: Yeah, how do you feel with it?

FRANK: Good. Oh. [UI] Marone. I got my other thing over here...

FRITZY: Yeah, but mine got three inches bigger since the fuckin' belly went in.

FRANK: Oh, the belly went in. Yeah.

FRITZY: I showed, I showed it to her.

FRANK: What she say?

FRITZY: She says, 'Magnificent.'

FRANK: You're a nut. 'Magnificent?' Huh?

FRITZY: Yeah.

FRANK: Yeah?

FRITZY: Yeah!

FRANK: She's says, 'Magnificent?'

FRITZY: Yeah, 'Magnificent.' I tell ya, yeah.

FRANK: She must be a hot [UI]

FRITZY: Ah, she says, 'Ya know...'

FRANK: Huh?

FRITZY: She says, 'Oh...'

FRANK: I think she enlarged that heart of yours.

FRITZY: I think you're right.

FRANK: Huh?

FRITZY: I think you're...

FRANK: Meanwhile, you were sleeping, you were getting laid, you didn't even know it.

FRITZY: You know what? Imagine that?

FRANK: You in your sleep, ba-boom, ba-boom.

FRITZY: Imagine that. She had it up.

FRANK: And she's humpin'. And you wake up in the morning, 'Why the fuck am I so tired? Why the fuck am I tired?'

FRITZY: You're right. I forgot about that one. She did, she did a job there.

FRANK: Right.

FRITZY: That's right.

FRANK: Then you wake up and you go, 'Geez, I slept eight hours. But how come I'm tired?' She's drillin' you all night in your sleep.

FRITZY: Yeah, that's, that's all gone now. Forget about it.

FRANK: Huh?

FRITZY: Forget about it. When you come to visit me and you see me [UI] you'll look at me, you'll say, 'Ha, I know how he went.'

FRANK: You're funny. Ah, don't say that.

FRITZY: Uh, God forbid. I hope never.

FRANK: Did you bet the baseball?

FRITZY: Nah.

FRANK: No, huh?

FRITZY: Nah.

FRANK: You're better off.

FRITZY: I've been staying away from all that right now.

FRANK: It's all, in other words, you'll be getting a little aggravated too and this and that and you lose...

FRITZY: I've been staying away from all that, uh.

FRANK: Stay away, don't bet no sports. It'll upset you. You know what I mean?

FRITZY: If, when I see ya, what I'll tell ya, what's been happening. Go look at the newspapers, see what come out last night.

FRANK: Uh-huh.

FRITZY: It, uh, did some nice job. What a job.

FRANK: Oh, that was a bad one.

FRITZY: Oh, forget it.

FRANK: 7-11?

FRITZY: Yeah, forget it. You laughin'.

FRANK: Marone.

FRITZY: You laughin'. What a job.

FRANK: No kiddin'.

FRITZY: What a job.

FRANK: Freddie, nice talking to you.

FRITZY: Pal.

FRANK: I'll see you tomorrow.

FRITZY: I will see you, I will see ya, alright.