the frank and fritzy show

EPISODE 43

Fritzy's uncle from the Old Country is visiting soon, and it seems the pensioner is quite the Italian Stallion. Later Fritzy treats Frank to a fractured, though funny, re-telling of a joke he heard on television--you know, the one about the talking gravestone. (7:22)

Listen here:

FRITZY: Federico "Fritzy" Giovanelli
FRANK: Frank "Frankie California" Condo
UI: Unintelligible

Frank: How's N'Annin [Italian for Anna, Fritzy's mother], alright?

Fritzy: Ya know I didn't go all week long?

Frank: Uh-huh.

Fritzy: I been suffering, Frankie. I haven't been there all week.

Frank: Uh-huh.

Fritzy: I call every day, ya know. All week long. Tomorrow I'll be there all, uh, all afternoon.

Frank: Uh-huh.

Fritzy: No, late in the afternoon I'll be there.

Frank: That's my aunt's name, Na, N'Annin.

Fritzy: N'Annin, eh?

Frank: Yeah.

Fritzy: Yeah?

Frank: Yeah.

Fritzy: Well [In Italian, Aunt, Aunt Anna], everybody used to call her, [In Italian, Aunt Anna, Aunt Anna.]

Frank: You bringing her the broccoli rabe?

Fritzy: I got 'em here.

Frank: You bringin' 'em to her?

Fritzy: Nah, Buddy, I made Buddy bring 'em every, uh, whenever she wants, every other day.

Frank: Yeah?

Fritzy: Yeah. She loves broccoli rabe.

Frank: Uh-huh.

Fritzy: She loves 'em. So she makes 'em and, I'm gonna have it today.

Frank: Your uncle'll be comin' soon, huh?

Fritzy: I told her. She said, [Italian]. "But why, ma?"

Frank: Yeah.

Fritzy: "Nah, [Italian]...I says, [Italian]...comes back...[Italian]...whatever he does. What is the difference?" [UI]

Frank: Well, he's older now. He ain't, whattya think he's gonna...

Fritzy: Oh, he's a horny bastard.

Frank: Huh?

Fritzy: He's horny. He goes out all the time.

Frank: Yeah?

Fritzy: Yeah, he a driller.

Frank: No kiddin'.

Fritzy: Oh, yeah. He had about four, five girlfriends he was over here.

Frank: He's like Romolo?

Fritzy: Nah. Romolo, no, no. Romolo...

Frank: I mean how does he look, on his type? Is he big as him, or bigger or shorter?

Fritzy: No, no. He's smaller than me, he's smaller.

Frank: Yeah?

Fritzy: But nice lookin' man.

Frank: Yeah?

Fritzy: Yeah, good lookin' man.

Frank: Uh-huh.

Fritzy: Yeah, that's why he was, uh, very romantic.

Frank: Like Mastroianni there.

Fritzy: Yeah, yeah. He's one of them.

Frank: With the, with the hat and the, with the cane, huh?

Fritzy: No, no. None of that. He's got a lotta nice hair. He's got hair, he don't wear a hat.

Frank: Uh-huh.

Fritzy: He don't wear a hat, ya know?

Frank: But he's 65 now.

Fritzy: Yeah, but he still looks good.

Frank: Yeah?

Fritzy: Yeah, yeah. He still, uh, he's got a little Parkinson, ya know? He was here treated for Parkinson's disease.

Frank: He wants to come here, though?

Fritzy: Yeah.

Frank: He does wanna come.

Fritzy: Oh, sure, he went for his passport already.

Frank: No kiddin'?

Fritzy: Sure. [Italian] he told 'em.

Frank: He's comin', huh?

Fritzy: Yeah, he's comin'. I says, "I'll send you [In Italian, a ticket]," I told 'em.

Frank: That'll be good for N'Annin.

Fritzy: Yeah, I like him too. Well, ya wanna know somethin'? I li, I enjoy him, too. Ya know? Ya wanna know somethin', Frankie?

Frank: What?

Fritzy: I always loved my family, like, majority of the family. I always loved family 'cause, uh, to me it was interesting to see, a lot of them.

Frank: Yeah?

Fritzy: Goin' back, uh, like, you know, cousins, what not, you never knew, ya know, things like that. Ya know, I got a lotta relatives that I don't know.

Frank: Uh-huh.

Fritzy: I'd like to...

Frank: How's all the kids, alright?

Fritzy: What?

Frank: Your children. Alright?

Fritzy: Nah, they're fine.

Frank: Carol's alright?

Fritzy: Carol is fine. I'm, I'm [Italian] here.

Frank: Yeah. My lady wants to talk to her.

Fritzy: Yeah, I'm gonna put her on now.

Frank: Get her. Where is she?

Fritzy: Did you go out last night?

Frank: No. I stood home.

Fritzy: Good. Because he...

Frank: I can't go out, I gotta use this, this, [UI] medicine in here.

Fritzy: You musta got, like, how many calls?

Frank: Oh, he called, at least, ya know, a lotta calls. He told me to stay in.

Fritzy: Oh yeah?

Frank: Yeah.

Fritzy: Oh, good, at least, he wants to see you better, anyhow.

Frank: Bruce brought me the papers last night.

Fritzy: Yeah?

Frank: That was nice, huh?

Fritzy: Yeah, it was.

Frank: Old Brucester.

Fritzy: That's good. That's good.

Frank: Yeah, QD called me, ol' Quiet Dom.

Fritzy: Uh-huh?

Frank: Everybody called.

Fritzy: Alright, eh.

Frank: Put on Carol, Freddie.

Fritzy: Alright, but you sound much better Frank.

Frank: Yeah, thank you for callin' me, huh.

Fritzy: Alright. How much more medicine do you have to take?

Frank: Well, I gotta stay in at least seven days, ya know?

Fritzy: Don't, eh, ya wanna know somethin'?

Frank: I'm still coughin', though.

Fritzy: Tell 'em Dr. Wong from Canal Street came and gave ya a visit, ya hear, and he says you need the sun. Ya gotta dry it up.

Frank: I know.

Fritzy: Tell 'em that's what he said.

Frank: I might go down there for a coupla...

Fritzy: Why don't you?

Frank: About a week.

Fritzy: I'll tell ya what, Jesus Christ almighty, I got the house available.

Frank: No kiddin'?

Fritzy: And I can't go.

Frank: Where?

Fritzy: In Saint Maartens.

Frank: In Saint Maartens? Who the hell wants to go all the way there?

Fritzy: Why, you wanna go to Florida?

Frank: Florida's closer, ain't it?

Helen [Frank's gal]: Yeah and it's rainin'...

Fritzy: What the hell is that, rainin'? One day it's rainin'?

Frank: He had some weather. They come back with some tans.

Fritzy: Eighty-three degrees.

Helen: Right now it's lightning down there.

Frank: She says, "Right, it's raining." It's, the crepe hanger's tryin' to change my mind here.

Fritzy: Don't listen to her.

Frank: I know, I know her like a book. She's tellin' me it's rainin'. She don't want me to go.

Helen: Frank, you wanna go down there [UI] brother's [UI]

Frank: My brother's? My friend has got a chateau down there.

Fritzy: That's right. A big one.

Frank: Me and Fritzy is goin', that's right. We need the sun on our bones.

Fritzy: You wanna go?

Frank: With Rosie? Fuck am I gonna do with Rosie?

Fritzy: Who's Rosie?

Frank: My brother's condominium in, in Pompano.

Fritzy: Forget about it.

Frank: My friend has got a big mansion down on the, uh...

Fritzy: You better believe it.

Frank: [UI] Island.

Fritzy: Yeah, I got, I got my goombata's house I could use too over there. I got one of the, uh, Saint Maartens, I got the house over there

Frank: Ya hear her, "So go. It's raining." She...

Fritzy: So go. It's okay.

Frank: She was away for ten days, now she don't want me to go, huh?

Fritzy: Imagine this. How nice.

Frank: [UI] see it. [UI] that's what it is.

Fritzy: Imagine that.

Frank: You don't want me to go?

Helen: I don't care.

Fritzy: She said she don't care.

Frank: Whattya mean you don't care. She should care that you do go to get better.

Frank: Sure you don't want me to go?

Helen: [UI]

Fritzy: She wants you to stay here and die.

Frank: You wanted to come with me? Yeah, oh yeah.

Helen: [UI]

Frank: Hmm.

Fritzy: Well you, but, see how they deprive you?

Frank: Huh?

Fritzy: See how you're deprived.

Frank: I know, I know all about it.

Fritzy: Alright.

Frank: The women, they wanna bury ya.

Fritzy: Did you see the, did you see that comedy there, "Bizarre"?

Frank: No.

Fritzy: You ever watch "Bizarre?"

Frank: Un-huh.

Fritzy: John Byner. He's a comedian.

Frank: Yeah?

Fritzy: So there's a tombstone, ya hear? So he goes over, then, ya ever see them, uh, pulleys where ya pull and the voice speaks back to ya like a doll?

Frank: Yeah.

Fritzy: And says, "I love you," and all that there, you pull the cord? Well, he's got a cord on the tombstone, he pulls it and his wife's voice speaks back, "Oh honey, I'm so happy you came to visit me. I'm so happy, honey." "Oh," he says, "boy, they really duplicated your voice so nice in this stone, this new stone." And he pulls the cord again, "Oh, I'm so happy. I'm so comfortable. I love you, I love youse all, I." Then, all of a sudden, like, the recording repeats, ya know. All of a sudden, another woman comes, and she come to visit the stone. So she yells, "Okay. I hope you're satisfied," she's yellin' down at the stone. "Oh, honey, it's so cold down here. Why did you put me down here? It's so cold." Ya know? So the guy's goin', "My God," he says, "Boy, you got a hell of a stone there." You know [UI] says, "Yeah, this son of a gun went out with every woman, Tom, Dick, and Harry, he went all over, he was a cheater for so many years and this and that." "Oh, my God." So he starts callin', he starts hollerin' back to 'em, "You dirty bum."

Frank: [UI]

Fritzy: What?

Frank: No, I'm tellin' Helen, ya tell me about...

Fritzy: "You dirty bum. You should be ashamed of yourself." He's goin' back with the woman, the same thing, he says, "Where did you buy your stone?" In other words, with the pulley. She says, "Oh, I didn't buy, this ain't no..." "Well, who's, who's talkin' back?" She says, "I buried him alive," she says. Alright? "I buried him alive."